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All by Natalie
I had plans to start December in a special way for my kids. Their chocolate advent calendars were tucked away in the pantry, waiting for their little fingers to pull back the colorful tabs and reveal the Christmas-shaped chocolates. But the calendars were never opened December 1st. They were left behind in the rush of the school morning.
I had already imagined what our night would be like. All six of us huddled together with a special dessert while my husband read from our new Christmas book.
Sometimes I have to fight for a thankful heart. When everything feels like it's working against me. When I am tempted to feel sorry for myself. When I want to complain. On the days when I see more of what I don't have than what I do have. It doesn't come natural to me to be thankful.
Some days I find my mind distracted. I fall into a trance of dreaming what my life is not, but what I want it to be. It sounds awful but sometimes I dream my children are different. I dream of life being easier. I dream of solitude. Nothing extravagant, just a bathroom break by myself. I dream of being more like the lady down the street, or more like the family I see at church. I dream about a different life.
I don't have to stand on a corner and hold up signs and posters of babies whose lives are taken by abortion. I don't have to post articles on Facebook that make your stomach queasy and your eyes well up with tears. I don't have to show anger toward the doctor performing an abortion or the mother who has scheduled her final appointment.
His voice is shaky and his eyes fill with tears. "I don't want to go to school. I don't ever want to go to school again!" I take a deep breath and buy some time as I take another bite of my bagel and a sip of my coffee. My throat tightens and I blink away tears. The first week of kindergarten has broken my heart and left me feeling unsure and unsettled.
I remember what my husband said to my son. "Do we run away from things that are hard, or do we face them?"
She held her firstborn baby on her hip and looked down at my oversized belly. When I told her I was expecting our fourth baby she couldn't believe it. "Wow, so you got this whole mom thing down!…Right?" I could feel my belly tighten with a Braxton Hicks as I began to laugh and try not to wet myself. I might have scared her a little with my response. "No, the more children I have, the more I realize how much I don't have this mom thing down." She laughed nervously and changed the subject. I went to the bathroom.
